And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
