Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
