I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
