She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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