Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
