Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
