when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
