Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize