she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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