I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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