Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
