just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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