Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
