I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
