i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
