I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize