then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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