First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
