So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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