if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
