I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
