i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
