Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
