I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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