I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
