I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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