dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
