you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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