I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
