I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
