If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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