I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
