she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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