Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
