The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
