awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
