Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
