I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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