I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
