The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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