You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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