i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
