in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
