It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
