I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
