don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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