So drunk its hurt
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
