Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
