Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
