My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
