Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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