last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The beer is more important than you right now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
