im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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