the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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