I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
youre lurking in front of me
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
