dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
