im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
