What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
