Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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