I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
