I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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