dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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