i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
