I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
