I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
