We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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