we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
